By Tournament / Top 14

                      French handbags swinging from all angles...

So how did Clermont Auvergne's revenge mission go?

It might not be the title, but bragging rights for now are secured as Clermont's two superstars Brock James and Napolioni Nalaga stunned the champions. Having a funcioning line-out would've helped but Toulouse decided they weren't into that...

And the best of the unbeaten bunch?

Stade Francais might not have won the brawl before half-time but they certainly won the war in Toulon. Julien Arias' chargedown try coupled with the clinical boots of Messrs Beauxis and Hernandez ensured Stade stay top. Bayonne's 100% start came to a crippling end at Perpignan, who hopped their way into second spot with David Marty and Maxime Mermoz among their scorers.

Any star performers?

Francois Trinh-Duc's instinctive display at fly-half and Fulgence Ouedraogo's brace for Montpellier deserves a mention but Valentin Courrent could be one of the signings of the summer, contributing 14 points in a man-of-the-match display for Biarritz.

Vite! Permettez-nous de recevoir le spectacle sur la route

Blimey, who's rattled your ugly French cage?

You smell that's all...

That's rich...

Vite!

It's all about Grand Slam Saturday - last year's final repeated - Toulouse's glamour boys visit the bruised Clermont Auvergne - stars all over the field - David Skrela makes his debut - no Aurelien Rougherie. Like the Sky Sports theme?

Not really! And the unbeaten boys?

Stade Francais aim to stick another rather large nail in Tana Umaga's coffin and Toulon face the ominous prospect of contending with last year's top try-scorer Julien Saubade back on the Parisians wing. Bayonne are in rotation mode for their trip to Perpignan so Stade look likely to continue at their fervent pace.

Any shocks expected?

Mont-de-Marsan might get something at Bourgoin, but Brive aren't in fine feather so a trip to Biarritz will be brief and Montpellier are all out for revenge having been outmuscled by Montauban for the final Heineken Cup spot. And Dax, well, are they ever going to win? Not at Castres.

Is that it? A little more in depth analysis?

Disparaissez!

Friday September 12
Toulon v Stade Français

Saturday September 13
Perpignan v Bayonne
Bourgoin v Mont-de-Marsan
Castres v Dax
Montpellier v Montauban
Clermont Auvergne v Toulouse
Biarritz v Brive

Bon weekend monsieur?

Oui c'est tres bien! Bayonne était très bon

Qu'avez-vous fait?

J'ai regardé le rugby et J'ai coupé un cheval

You cut a horse!

Merde! I ate like a horse

So did Bayonne win?

Jean-Baptiste Peyras scored the game's only try but Clermont's free-flowing, all-action, try diet has dried up bringing on the odd headache.

Who won the battle of the 100%'ers?

Juan-Martin Hernandez and Lionel Beauxis came back with a bang as scores for Dave Vaniquer and Julien Arias saw the Parisians to a richly deserved victory in Perpignan.

And those money-bags?

Mont de Marsan were the toast of France with Vouvray being guzzled like it was free off the tap.

Why does everybody hate the rich?

Only in France...

What are they all communists or something?

No, they just don't all need to work for big corporations to have a life...

Speaking of industries - how did the champions get on?

Toulouse walloped Biarritz, with Cedric Heymans and Byron Kelleher amongst the scorers. Prop Benoit Lecouls was so distraught he stayed in Toulouse.

Never!

It's alright the clubs just delayed the transfer until Campbell Johnstone arrived from New Zealand...

Results

Bayonne 17-6 Clermont Auvergne
Perpignan 11-26 Stade Francais
Brive 16-16 Castres
Dax 6-9 Montpellier
Montauban 18-14 Bourgoin
Mont-de-Marsan 25-18 Toulon
Toulouse 20-6 Biarritz