Scrum of the Earth /

Vite! Permettez-nous de recevoir le spectacle sur la route

Blimey, who's rattled your ugly French cage?

You smell that's all...

That's rich...

Vite!

It's all about Grand Slam Saturday - last year's final repeated - Toulouse's glamour boys visit the bruised Clermont Auvergne - stars all over the field - David Skrela makes his debut - no Aurelien Rougherie. Like the Sky Sports theme?

Not really! And the unbeaten boys?

Stade Francais aim to stick another rather large nail in Tana Umaga's coffin and Toulon face the ominous prospect of contending with last year's top try-scorer Julien Saubade back on the Parisians wing. Bayonne are in rotation mode for their trip to Perpignan so Stade look likely to continue at their fervent pace.

Any shocks expected?

Mont-de-Marsan might get something at Bourgoin, but Brive aren't in fine feather so a trip to Biarritz will be brief and Montpellier are all out for revenge having been outmuscled by Montauban for the final Heineken Cup spot. And Dax, well, are they ever going to win? Not at Castres.

Is that it? A little more in depth analysis?

Disparaissez!

Friday September 12
Toulon v Stade Français

Saturday September 13
Perpignan v Bayonne
Bourgoin v Mont-de-Marsan
Castres v Dax
Montpellier v Montauban
Clermont Auvergne v Toulouse
Biarritz v Brive