Scrum of the Earth /

Beijing is just around the corner and while we're going into hibernation. Who cares who wins the cycling, the kayaking or the mountain biking for beach volleyball is the one saving grace for us puritans of competitive team sports.

We rang up the IOC yesterday and asked for a late entry. We assured them that all of our entrants fulfilled qualifying procedures and we’re waiting for the OK at a secret location ready to be flied out to China

Here’s Team ScrumoftheEarth

Diving: Shane Williams - gives it plenty of air over the try-line…

Swimming: David Strettle - a fan of watersports...

Water Polo: The All-Blacks - formidable free-flowing style

Archery: Dan Carter - top marksman…

Boxing: Schalk Burger - never shies away from a punch-up...

Equestrian: Mike Tindall - a good excuse for more time with the missus...

Mens Coxless Pairs: Victor Matfield and Bakkies Botha - Unrivalled as a duo..

100m: Bryan Habana - Tyson Gay couldn’t beat a cheetah…

200m: Joe Rokocoko - have you ever seen him caught from behind?

110m hurdles: Geordan Murphy - one of the best in the air and under the high ball..

Judo: Danny Grewcock - persistent use of the boot...

Marathon: Richie McCaw - doesn’t stop running and would tackle anyone who got in his way...

4x100m: Bryan Habana, Tom Varndell, Shane Williams, Takudzwa Ngwenya...

Hammer-throw: Martin Castrogiovanni - with his beard he wouldn’t look out of place...

Shot-Put: Andrew Sheridan - he threw Matt Dunning far enough…

Weightlifting: Mario Ledesma - the man for the clean jerk and snatch...