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Monday, July 28, 2008


Sonny Bill Williams: 'I must remember my passport'

What's going on in rugby league? Granted it must be pretty difficult hearing average players signing six-figure contracts in France with only a smattering of union experience in the back garden, but for Sonny Bill Williams to turn his back on the sport in his prime - could it be that rugby league is merely a supermarket for the richer union of rugby.

Williams -  New Zealand rugby league's version of Dan Carter - has sensationally walked out on the Canterbury Bulldogs to join the high-rollers at Toulon under the watchful eye of Tana Umaga.

He was only a year into a five-year-deal and was obviously unhappy, but is an argument with the girlfriend over who's cooking tea reason enough to set sail for the French Mediterranean and continue his fishbowl lifestyle surrounding by croissants, yachts and euromillionaires - it's not that tough being a chisled 22-year-old is it?

Not bothering to tell his teammates, clubmen or fans - it's a desperate loss for rugby league in general.

It sounds like someone on the run for murder rather than a lover's tiff. 24 hours before a massive clash and Williams is nowhere to be seen.

Over two years in Toulon, Williams will flush a whopping £1.45m into his bank-account.

NRL chief, David Gallop was left fuming and rightly so. Understandably disappointed that rugby is following in football's footsteps where contracts aren't worth the paper they're written on, Gallop said: "If he's not playing football with the Bulldogs, he won't be playing football, full stop. "

As if the IRB didn't have enough on their plate...


'If they don't pick us next time we'll kung-fu the house down'

The IRB are undemocratic and unrepresentative and give precedence to an elite band of eight founding unions for the right to host the Rugby World Cup.

Quentin Smith, chairman of Sale Sharks and the report's consultant, says "rugby union is stuck in a ghetto," with half of the world's registered players, plying their trade in the cash counting surroundings of England.

Ever since the 2011 Rugby World Cup was awarded to New Zealand, unity between the International Governing Board, its member unions and the sport's fans has taken a hit of two.

A safe £10 bet would've gone on Japan. Only a seasoned bet genius could've foreseen the William Webb Ellis Cup returning to the land that kicked off the world cup era in 1987.

The IRB are being urged to push forward globalisation, thus awarding the 2015 competition to a developing nation, putting the Land of the Rising Sun in pole position - although Italy and the U.S triumphed as hosts in football's equivalent in 1990 and 1994 respectively.

With Argentina's progress being stifled by the reluctance to adopt the Pumas into a major seasonal competition, and the ELVs dividing the sport, awarding the 2015 tournament to Japan would certainly improve chances of regaining our faith in the top table.

Robbie Deans: 'Who invited these oldies in?'

Australia 34: Tries: R Cross, P Hynes, R Elsom, J Horwill Cons: M Giteau 4 Pens: M Giteau Drops: M Giteau.

New Zealand 19: Tries: M Muliaina, A Hore, A Ellis Cons: D Carter 2.

Graham Henry R.I.P - New Zealanders can only wish. Maybe it's just his comeupence for all the garbage that's filtered its way through the carbon dioxide and oxygen to violate our eyes and ears since the Tri-Nations kicked off.

December 14 2007 - the date when New Zealand rugby fans lost their belief in Santa for Canterbury's favourite son, Robbie Deans, became a Dingo.

Deans reeks so badly of kiwi khai, he practically bathes in the stuff, so copping a mauling off one of their own was worse than a kick in the privates from a loved one.

Back on sunnier Tasman shores, the guy's a saviour. A win next weekend in Auckland and there's a real danger of him nicking the limelight from Kylie, Dame Edna or Russell Crowe.

Saturday's thumping hurt the religous ruggerholics in the Land of the Long White Cloud so much, New Zealand's flagship rugby website Rugby Heaven changed its name to Rugby Hell in mourning.

The Wallabies bonus-point win sends them a point clear at the top of the ladder with a game in hand and with it confidence in the new regime remains unflappable.

Dan Carter might be the best in the business, but even his genius can only stretch so far.

Neither camp was fully satisfied. Andy Ellis magical reappearance following Jimmy Cowan's brief cameo proved there a still a few glitches in the new system, vindicating the northern hemisphere's reservations to jump aboard. 

Had it been more telling then Mr. Deans might not have been so chipper.

Deans' tactical shrewdness and attitude had been championed by both sets of players in the build-up and Henry switching his only recognised flanker, Daniel Braid for a moose with the handling skills of a seal, illustrated the main reason for supporters vote of nil confidence in the NZRU - Sione Lauaki was a disaster.

Henry looked liked he'd been at stand-still on the M25 for five hours upon the final whistle.

The desperate hauling down of Sitiveni Sivavatu only five metres out with try-line begging should've yielded seven points as well as a sin-binning.

They were two major turning points.

You could only marvel at the pace and ambition of the warriors. How both sets of rampaging animals kept going at such high intensity only the fitness gods could prove.

Out of the four contests in this year's Tri-Nations, this was by far the best.

More tries than penalties (7-6) represents great value for money for both the consumer and charming fan - it was certainly a triumph for attack over defence, which is what the IRB are trying to ram down our throats after all.

The Wallabies bossed the breakdown, enabling junior stars such as Luke Burgess to fidget around the fringes while the beach blondies, Matt Giteau and Berrick Barnes kicked intelligently and stood up well against the bigger bruisers.

The highlight of this fascinating encounter was the battle for supremacy between both back-three's.

Sivivatu was more Serevi than Lomu, Lote Tuqiri showing us he's been watching Brian Lima YouTube clips such was the ferocity of his tackling and Adam Ashley-Cooper showed tremendous courage and guile to steal in through various keyholes in the New Zealand defensive line.

If it lasted another 20 minutes, Australia would've doubled their score. New Zealand look very fragile without their talisman, Richie McCaw. Rather than raising the bar in training, all of their assets should go into getting the machine fit - the All-Blacks are out of gas.

Friday, July 25, 2008


The Bledisloe Cup - worth more than Mariah Carey's....

Ivo Daalder wrote a book on Winning Ugly, and just like the 11-week bombing campaign waged against Serbia, similar air-striking tactics need applying if either army is to force its opposition out of Sydney.

The two sides couldn't be approaching this game with different attitudes. One group has reeled off four wins on the spin, with a revolutionary new coach uniting a whole country whereas the other can only jealously gaze across the ditch at the treasure chest dressed in gold with one of their own orchestrating their charge.

Australian fans take a breath - don't expect miracles - a moody New Zealander is like the beast at the top of beanstalk - the All-Black bashing from former internationals, David 'motormouth' Campese and John Eales hasn't helped either - interrupt their quiet time at your own peril.

Last weekend's assured set-piece display against the best in the business saw Henry tear up the initial blueprint for success.

Steve Hansen's game-plan wouldn't inspire a kid to the sweet draw. Resorting to calling Luke Burgess a cheat Mr. Hansen hasn't given us that much of a tickle since Bill Clinton swore he didn't have sex with that Canadian gargoyle.

The Wallabies might've played the Boks down the isle on the plane from Dunedin, but a fresh All-Blacks who won't allow the game to dip to such a long-haul tempo.

Daniel Braid has been in stella form for Auckland, but he is no Richie McCaw. Braid's style is kiss-chase stuff, but If the golden back-row trio perform like they did in Perth, they can capitalise elsewhere.

Whisper it quietly, but the difference should be the defence.

DEFENCE! I hear you cry. Strange as it may seem, both sides are rock-solid on the front-foot and observations so far suggest their weaknesses stem from over-ambition, lapses in concentration, oh and the scrum-half position.

Keep a close eye on the Ellis-Burgess duel. Andy got one over on Luke in the Super 14 final, but too much dill-dallying around the base doesn't give Dan Carter the extra-nanosecond to explode into song - Deans' message has been clear -stifle Carter's voice and you win the game.


Barrack Obama: 'Got any HP?'

Friday's here and we're already checking out the weather forecast - Sunday's going to be a belter, which means we're off down the beach for a BBQ and several cold ones and talk about a premature general election and the amount of hen parties to hit Brighton. But here's some betting tips and our weekly what might and might not happen while we're all enjoying ourselves.

Betting Tips

First Tryscorer: Dan Carter 20/1 with PaddyPower
No tryscorer: 50/1 with totesport
Australia to win by more than 10 points 4/1 with Ladbrokes
First Scoring Play: New Zealand drop-goal 33/1 with Sporting Bet

What might happen...


Cristiano Ronaldo is offered a contract to endorse Valencia Oranges.
Random smoking arrests in British fields because it's an animal's workplace
Graham Henry being dragged out of Home in Darling Harbour, Sydney at 6am Sunday morning
Durham to win the Twenty20 cup as Steve Harmison stars in front of the England selectors
Everyone already getting bored of the Olympics before it's even started

What won't happen...


Barrack Obama offering a wife-swap with Nicolas Sarkozy as he arrives in France
Max Mosley walking down Oxford Street in a Nazi uniform alongside two hookers.
Plans are made to give Heath Ledger a pavestone in Hollywood after the Oscars
Gordon Brown wearing a 'I hate Glasgow t-shirt' in retaliation to the Glasgow East bi-election defeat.
Thierry Henry moving all of his millions into an off-shore Cayman Island bank-account


Dwayne Chambers: 'Maybe I should go in the BB House'

There's a whisper going around that Dwayne Chambers has been entrusted with improving three Harlequins and England stars sprinting.

We tipped him to enter the world of golf after dipping his toe into every other sport. Chambers is commanding as many column inches as Big Brother and undoubtedly keeping his PR team busy.

Junior speedsters David Strettle, Danny Care and the more tractor-esque, Nick Easter will undergo intensive sessions with Britain's fastest man.