Scrum of the Earth /

This week marks the 87th anniversary of South Africa-New Zealand rugby rivalry. The first ever Test match took place on August 13th 1921, when the All-Blacks triumphed at Carisbrook 13-5.

Wing John Steel scored one of New Zealand’s two tries that day and All-Black historians still regard the star performer’s try in the drawn series as one of the most spectacular ever.

Collecting a cross-kick from the half-way line, with the ball awkwardly positioned behind his back, Steel raced away for a momentous score.

Elsewhere in history, in 30 BC, Cleopatra (nothing to do with the expensive porn-film) committed suicide after her lover Mark Anthony’s defeat at the battle of Actium. In 1945 George Orwell’s satirical allegory of Soviet totalitarianism, Animal Farm, was first published while 15 years later, in 1960, Cyprus gains its independence from the United Kingdom,   

And it’s Feliz Cumpleaños! as they say in Spain to the Barking bruiser, Jason Leonard (50), French Hall of Famer Andre Boniface (74), Springbok centre Adrian Jacobs (28) and the champion of the ‘shortest hat-trick in history’, Nick Easter (30)

Beijing is just around the corner and while we're going into hibernation. Who cares who wins the cycling, the kayaking or the mountain biking for beach volleyball is the one saving grace for us puritans of competitive team sports.

We rang up the IOC yesterday and asked for a late entry. We assured them that all of our entrants fulfilled qualifying procedures and we’re waiting for the OK at a secret location ready to be flied out to China

Here’s Team ScrumoftheEarth

Diving: Shane Williams - gives it plenty of air over the try-line…

Swimming: David Strettle - a fan of watersports...

Water Polo: The All-Blacks - formidable free-flowing style

Archery: Dan Carter - top marksman…

Boxing: Schalk Burger - never shies away from a punch-up...

Equestrian: Mike Tindall - a good excuse for more time with the missus...

Mens Coxless Pairs: Victor Matfield and Bakkies Botha - Unrivalled as a duo..

100m: Bryan Habana - Tyson Gay couldn’t beat a cheetah…

200m: Joe Rokocoko - have you ever seen him caught from behind?

110m hurdles: Geordan Murphy - one of the best in the air and under the high ball..

Judo: Danny Grewcock - persistent use of the boot...

Marathon: Richie McCaw - doesn’t stop running and would tackle anyone who got in his way...

4x100m: Bryan Habana, Tom Varndell, Shane Williams, Takudzwa Ngwenya...

Hammer-throw: Martin Castrogiovanni - with his beard he wouldn’t look out of place...

Shot-Put: Andrew Sheridan - he threw Matt Dunning far enough…

Weightlifting: Mario Ledesma - the man for the clean jerk and snatch...

Butch James should be counting his lucky stars that no one has come forward and arrested his Springbok number ten jersey.

James has plenty to gain, but even more to lose against a depleted Argentina outfit.

Fatigue is understandable, but in the professional environment, it is no excuse.

His poor run of form might not be worrying Pieter de Villiers, but Francois Steyn and Ruan Pienaar have their supporters by the truck-load and another sticky showing in what is effectively a nothing-match could see James regurgitating talk of international retirement.

If you asked every professional rugby player who they'd like to kick-off their pre-season campaign against, world champions, South Africa would probably be near the bottom of the list.

But the Pumas have had to suck it up and will travel to Coca-Cola Park AKA Ellis Park, Johannesburg as part of Nelson Mandela's birthday celebrations.

Santiago Phelan makes six changes from the side that lost of Italy with Felipe Contepomi returning as skipper at fly-half.

French pair, Patricio Albacete and Alvarez Kairelis form a new second-row pairing while familiar faces Juan Martin Fernandez Lobbe, Rodrigo Roncero and Mario Ledesma all start.

Argentina: 15 Bernardo Stortoni, 14 José María Núñez Piossek, 13 Federico Martín Aramburu, 12 Miguel Avramovic, 11 Horacio Agulla, 10 Felipe Contepomi (c), 9 Nicolás Vergallo, 8 Juan Manuel Leguizamón, 7 Juan Martín Fernández Lobbe, 6 Martín Durand, 5 Patricio Albacete, 4 Rimas Álvarez Kairelis, 3 Pedro Ledesma, 2 Mario Ledesma, 1 Rodrigo Roncero.

Replacements: 16 Alberto Vernet Basualdo, 17 Marcos Ayerza, 18 Esteban Lozada, 19 Álvaro Galindo, 20 Alfredo Lalanne, 21 Benjamín Urdapilleta
22 Rafael Carballo.

So Wilko's jumped right to the front of the queue by putting his name up for England captain.

Mr. Kick-trick-pony followed Martin Johnson into the role after the colossus' timely retirement.

Thing is, he was in his pomp back then, fizzing balls into corners and poking penalties through the eye of a needle.

A list of injuries as long as the Statue of Liberty's arm have followed not to mention copping a right old talking to from new kid on the block, Danny Cipriani, during his brief cameo against Ireland in last year's Six Nations.

We don't know what Wilko had with his granola this morning (maybe some hysteria hormone or something), but you were lucky to last this long.

Reasons for Jonny Wilkinson to be captain

1. He speaks about the game well...

Reasons for Jonny Wilkinson not to be captain

1. He isn't England's best fly-half
2. He isn't England's second-best fly-half
3. He isn't even England's third-best fly-half
4. The RFU can't afford his private healthcare bill
5. Newcastle Falcons need him more than England do